“Things I Was Thinking in Hot Topic After My 3-Year-Old Daughter and I Were Greeted by a Very Provocatively Dressed Salesgirl,” by Wayne Gladstone

“Things I Was Thinking in Hot Topic After My 3-Year-Old Daughter and I Were Greeted by a Very Provocatively Dressed Salesgirl,” by Wayne Gladstone

So, is there, like, a backroom where you change for work, or do you walk around like that?

Would it be possible for me to see that room?

I used to have very long hair.

And an earring.

In fact, Trent Reznor and I went to Hebrew school together.

You know who that is, right?

And, oh, my daughter is my niece. No, not my niece. She’s an orphan I adopted to indoctrinate into the ways of the vampire.

Can you tell by the way I’m checking out this skull-and-crossbones key chain that I’m secretly dangerous?

I knew I shouldn’t have worn my Dockers today.

Pee on me.

From McSweeney's

Gumwall

I've always loved this place in Seattle. Just off Pike Place Market in a brick alley, right across from the Alibi Room: The Gum Wall. I happened to be there this weekend, and happened to have my camera, and happened to take a picture. It all happened so fast.

There used to be a place in the village I lived in Holland like this, but it was a very narrow walkway between two buildings. Both walls simply covered in gum and DNA. And some other stuff, I'm sure.

This is the most profound error message I've ever gotten.

I'm not a drowning man!
And I'm not a burning building! I'm a tumbler!
Drowning cannot hurt a man!
Fire cannot hurt a man. Not the Government Man.