“Things I Was Thinking in Hot Topic After My 3-Year-Old Daughter and I Were Greeted by a Very Provocatively Dressed Salesgirl,” by Wayne Gladstone

“Things I Was Thinking in Hot Topic After My 3-Year-Old Daughter and I Were Greeted by a Very Provocatively Dressed Salesgirl,” by Wayne Gladstone

So, is there, like, a backroom where you change for work, or do you walk around like that?

Would it be possible for me to see that room?

I used to have very long hair.

And an earring.

In fact, Trent Reznor and I went to Hebrew school together.

You know who that is, right?

And, oh, my daughter is my niece. No, not my niece. She’s an orphan I adopted to indoctrinate into the ways of the vampire.

Can you tell by the way I’m checking out this skull-and-crossbones key chain that I’m secretly dangerous?

I knew I shouldn’t have worn my Dockers today.

Pee on me.

From McSweeney's