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Better Than Beanie Weenie!

My new friend Beth was telling me tonight about a camping culinary treat she and her sister make. It's hot dogs in macaroni and cheese.

She told me it was called "Captain Schlong" and I laughed for a minute straight, then tittered for another three or four minutes. It was just too fabulously absurdly funny to me.

Then, over dinner, she mentioned it again, and I realized what she actually said was "Kraft 'n' schlong." This should not de-fuse the enormity of it for me, but it did. I wasn't laughing at the schlong part, I guess; I was laughing that this pedestrian combination of childhood favorites got a military title.

It will always be 'Captain' to me, Beth.

Pucker factor: 9.5.
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Retardant

My interests are diverse. You can file this one under "Jesus, Craig, get a job already!"

Fighting forest fires is a very difficult task. And not one that I plan to take up soon. Ever, really. But days after we moved onto the ranch in 1969 a huge fire roared across the hundreds of acres across the river from us. We were brand new to Calaveras county, and we watched the fire come down the far hill toward us. I was fascinated. Dad was probably terrified and pissed off.

What were referred to as Borate Bombers back then flew low over the fire line, releasing huge gouts of pink fire retardant. (They were called Borate Bombers because in the late 50s the first chemical composition was primarily borate; this changed in less than a year, but the name was catchy and stuck with the press.) The fire was stopped, though the far hills were stained pink for a couple of years.

And this is the genesis of my fascination.

The chemical is dyed pink so pilots can see clearly what they have and haven't hit.

You see helicopters fighting fire with plain ol' water. They descend upon lakes with great buckets slung underneath and suck up a thousand gallons or so, then go dump it on fire. It's not the best material for fighting fire, but water is what's available, as it is what the lakes are full of. And lakes are all around forest fires.

The bombers (typically C130 aircraft) are loaded with a composition of nitrogen and phosphorous and water; this not only quenches the fire, but it sucks all the oxygen out of the air for a period of time. Fire needs oxygen. (So do field mice. They are martyred in the process.)

I bring all this up because a friend of mine used to own a helicopter company. They did lots of things, including fire fighting. We had dinner last week and somehow got onto the topic. He says there's a guy experimenting with a 747 right now - he puts 12 2000 gallon tanks in the 747, pressurizes the system, and can precisely lay down a five mile line of fire retardant. Five miles is a very long line.

Remember all this as you watch the fire nightmare unfold during this drought-fueled summer.
Now I'm going to go do some work, I promise.

The key is to know when to say when. Someone needs to talk with Richards.
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