Too Tense

Tense issues. This language - what is a verbose pendantiphile like me to do?

"I can't find my keys" is followed with,

"Aha! Here, under the dog, I found my keys."

Hence,

"If you would just mind me, you wouldn't lose your keys."

"Indeed, if I had just mound him - I wouldn't have lost my keys."

Why minded? The -ed is an awkward addition to a nice tight word. (You think not? Try adding -ed to "find" and saying it out loud.)

Maybe our linguistic progenitors thought mound rang vaguely sexual as a verb. It does to my sophomoric ear.